How Complex Trauma Affects Belonging, Confidence, and Being Seen
A Trauma Pattern Many High Functioning People Don’t Recognise.
Many of the people I work with don’t identify with the word trauma.
They often say things like:
“Nothing that bad happened to me.”
“I wasn’t abused.”
“I had a good childhood.”
’”We weren’t poor, I never wanted for anything”
“Other people had it much worse.”
And yet, they struggle deeply with:
social and/or performance anxiety
imposter syndrome
fear of being seen or judged
a persistent sense of not quite belonging
feeling on edge around people, even when successful
For many people, CPTSD (a diagnostic term referring to complex post traumatic tress disorder) is the missing piece - even though they would never use that label themselves. It also often goes misdiagnosed, especially in high-functioning people.
What Is CPTSD (Complex PTSD), Really?
Complex PTSD isn’t about one big traumatic event.
It’s about repeated experiences of emotional lack of safety over time, especially in early relationships where you didn’t have a way to escape.
CPTSD can develop through:
chronic emotional neglect
growing up with criticism, unpredictability, or emotional distance
being consistently bullied
having to suppress your needs to stay connected
being parentified, over-responsible, or “the good one”
environments where love felt conditional
subtle but ongoing experiences of not being fully seen, protected, or welcomed
Importantly: CPTSD does not require sexual abuse, physical violence, or obvious trauma (although this can also lead to cptsd).
What matters is the repetitive nature and how your nervous system learned to adapt.
If your system learned:
“I need to monitor myself to stay safe”
“Belonging isn’t guaranteed”
“I must perform, please, or hide parts of myself”
Those patterns can follow you into adulthood - even if your life now looks objectively successful or ‘ok’.
Why Many High-Functioning People Don’t Identify With CPTSD
CPTSD is often invisible - especially in capable high-functioning people.
Many of my clients and people I meet are:
high achievers
professionals or leaders
socially skilled on the surface (i.e. no-one would likely know how they’re feeling).
articulate and self-aware
capable of “holding it together”
They don’t feel traumatised - they feel anxious, self-doubting, or on guard.
Because CPTSD doesn’t always look like chaos.
Sometimes it looks like hyper-competence.
Success can actually be part of the adaptation:
Over-preparing to avoid criticism
Reading the room constantly
Anticipating others’ reactions
A drive to be liked, agreeable, or impressive
Never fully relaxing socially
These are not personality traits. They are nervous system strategies.
CPTSD and the Deep Fear of Not Belonging
One of the core wounds in CPTSD is relational safety.
If, early on, connection felt uncertain or conditional, your nervous system learned that people are where danger might live - not physical threat, but emotional exposure.
This shows up socially as:
feeling like an outsider even in familiar groups
scanning for signs of rejection
freezing or blanking when attention is on you
struggling to speak spontaneously
feeling “different” without knowing why
anxiety after social interactions, replaying what you said
At its core, this isn’t about confidence.
It’s about whether your nervous system feels safe being seen.
Why CPTSD Can Show Up as Social and Performance Anxiety (And Not Flashbacks)
Popular ideas of trauma focus on flashbacks and obvious distress.
But CPTSD often shows up as:
chronic tension
emotional shutdown
social hyper-vigilance
self-monitoring
difficulty trusting ease or belonging
Your nervous system learned long ago: being visible carries risk. Essentially, these are emotional flashbacks that make us behave in a way to keep safe.
So even neutral or positive social situations can activate threat responses:
freeze
fawn
fight
overthink
disappear internally
This can happen even when you are admired, respected, or objectively successful.
The body doesn’t respond to logic - it responds to learned safety.
“But My Life Is Good Now, So Why Do I Still Feel This Way?”
This is one of the most painful questions clients ask.
The answer is: your nervous system doesn’t update automatically.
You may know you’re safe now. Your body and fear-brain may not.
CPTSD lives in:
procedural memory
emotional memory
relational expectation
Not in conscious thought.
So you can:
speak confidently in meetings yet feel internally braced
succeed professionally but doubt your place
have friends yet feel alone
be admired yet feel like you’re “getting away with something”
This doesn’t mean anything is wrong with you.
It means your system learned to survive first - and hasn’t yet learned that belonging can be safe.
Healing CPTSD Is Not About Reliving the Past
Many people fear trauma work because they imagine digging into horrific memories.
That’s not how this works.
Healing CPTSD, especially when it shows up as social anxiety or imposter syndrome, is about:
helping your nervous system feel safe in the present
reprocessing old relational patterns
reducing threat responses around visibility and connection
restoring a felt sense of belonging and internal permission
Approaches like EMDR and somatic therapy work below the thinking mind, where these patterns actually live.
You don’t need to label yourself as traumatised.
You don’t need a dramatic story.
You don’t need to justify your pain.
If your system learned that being yourself wasn’t fully safe - that’s enough.
You’re Not Broken, You’re Adapted
If you recognise yourself here, it doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with you.
It means you adapted beautifully to the environment you were in.
But what helped you survive then may now be:
keeping you guarded
keeping you anxious
keeping you separate from real ease and connection
Healing is not about becoming someone new.
It’s about allowing your nervous system to experience: I belong here. I don’t have to perform to stay.
And that changes everything - socially, emotionally, and internally.