Growing Up Different: How Childhood "Otherness" Creates Lifelong Feelings of Inferiority
Maybe you were fat kid in a family of thin people. The poor kid wearing secondhand clothes to a wealthy school. The quiet, sensitive child in a family that valued toughness. The bookish one surrounded by athletes. The child with a disability in an abled world.
Whatever made you different, you likely felt it every single day—in the sideways glances, the whispered comments, the way conversations stopped when you walked into a room. That persistent, gnawing sense that you didn't quite belong anywhere, that something fundamental about you was wrong.
If you're reading this as an adult still carrying the weight of childhood "otherness," you're experiencing one of the most profound yet invisible wounds of growing up different: the deep-seated belief that you are inherently inferior simply because you didn't fit the mould - even when you may have done everything to fit in now.
The Impact of Being Different
Growing up different in any visible way creates what psychologists call "minority stress" (it isn’t just about being an ethnic minority - although this counts) —the chronic stress of existing in spaces where your fundamental self is seen as less than, wrong, or unwelcome. But the wound goes deeper than stress. It becomes internalised as core beliefs about your worth, your right to belong, and your place in the world.
Research shows that children who experience chronic "otherness"—whether due to socioeconomic status, physical appearance, neurodivergence, family dysfunction, or any other difference—develop what's known as "internalized oppression." You absorb the message that your difference makes you fundamentally less valuable as a human being.
While your peers were developing secure attachment to their social world, you were learning that acceptance was conditional—and that you didn't meet the conditions.
The Physiology of Chronic "Otherness"
When you grow up different, your nervous system develops in a state of chronic hyper-vigilance. You become highly attuned to signs of rejection, disapproval, or social threat because your survival depended on it.
You might have experienced:
Hyper-vigilance about acceptance where you constantly scanned for signs that you weren't welcome or belonged
People-pleasing as survival where you learned to minimise your differences and maximise your usefulness to others
Internal shame where moments of visibility felt excruciating because they highlighted your "wrongness"
Dissociation from your authentic self where you learned to hide or reject the parts of you that made you different
Chronic muscle tension from constantly bracing against rejection or judgment
These weren't character flaws—they were intelligent adaptations to an environment that consistently told you that your authentic self was a problem to be solved.
The Many Faces of Growing Up Different That I Often Hear In Therapy
Difference takes countless forms, and each carries its own specific wounds while sharing the common thread of internalised inferiority:
Growing Up Poor
Money shame runs deep. You learned that your family's financial struggles were somehow a failing or different to others. You might still feel "less than" in professional settings, struggle with imposter syndrome around wealth, or feel guilty for any financial success.
Growing Up Fat
Weight stigma is something still present today, and present in childhood. Maybe you learned that your body was wrong, that you took up too much space, that your worth was tied to your size. You might still feel invisible or hyper-visible in rooms, struggle with feeling deserving of love, or have complicated relationships with your physical needs.
Growing Up Neurodivergent
Whether labeled "weird," "difficult," or "too sensitive," you learned that your natural way of processing the world was wrong. You might still mask constantly, struggle with feeling fundamentally broken, or exhaust yourself trying to appear "normal" while feeling like an imposter in your own life.
Growing Up in Dysfunction
Maybe your family dealt with addiction, mental illness, abuse, or chaos. You learned to be hyperresponsible, to anticipate needs, to make yourself small to avoid triggering instability. You might still struggle with feeling responsible for others' emotions while neglecting your own needs.
Growing Up "Too Much" or "Not Enough"
Perhaps you were too loud, too quiet, too smart, too slow, too emotional, too detached. You learned that your natural temperament was wrong, that you needed to be fundamentally different to be acceptable.
You might overachieve to "earn" your place, but no amount of external success touches the core wound of feeling fundamentally different. Success feels hollow because it's built on proving your worth rather than expressing your authentic self.
The Trauma of "Correctability"
One of the most damaging aspects of growing up different is when adults around you treated your difference as something to be fixed rather than accepted. Whether it was dieting culture, therapy to make you "normal," or constant messages about changing yourself, you learned that love was contingent on becoming someone else.
This creates what trauma researchers call "developmental trauma"—the ongoing stress of having your authentic self consistently rejected or pathologised during critical developmental years. The message becomes: "You are a problem to be solved, not a person to be loved."
Why EMDR and Somatic Approaches May Be More Effective
When feelings of inferiority stem from the developmental trauma of growing up different, Eye Movement Desensitisation and Reprocessing (EMDR) and somatic therapies can be particularly powerful because they address the early attachment wounds and nervous system adaptations.
These approaches work by:
Processing early memories where you first learned that your difference made you less valuable, allowing these experiences to be integrated rather than remaining as active wounds
Healing nervous system patterns that developed in response to chronic otherness, helping your body learn that it's safe to be authentically you
Reprocessing core beliefs formed during vulnerable developmental years—moving from "I'm fundamentally flawed" to "I was different in environments that couldn't hold my difference"
Installing embodied beliefs about your inherent worth and right to belong exactly as you are
Reconnecting with your authentic self that was rejected or hidden during childhood, allowing you to reclaim the parts of you that make you beautifully unique
Post-Traumatic Growth from Childhood Difference
Many people who grew up different develop extraordinary capacities that directly stem from their otherness:
Profound empathy for others who don't fit in, making them natural advocates and healers
Creative perspectives that come from seeing the world from the margins
Resilience and adaptability developed through navigating unwelcoming environments
Authenticity detectors that can spot genuine acceptance versus performative inclusion
Deep self-knowledge from having to understand and advocate for their own needs from an early age
Ready to Reclaim Your Right to Belong?
If this resonated with you, you're not alone. As a therapist specialising in feelings of inferiority and belonging, I regularly work with clients whose deepest wounds stem from growing up different in environments that couldn't hold their uniqueness.
This isn't just about building self-esteem—it's about healing the developmental wounds that taught you that your authentic self was unacceptable and reclaiming your right to take up space exactly as you are.
The world needs what makes you different. Your otherness isn't something to overcome—it's something to reclaim and celebrate.
References
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.
Bronfenbrenner, U. (1979). The ecology of human development: Experiments by nature and design. Harvard University Press.
Cozolino, L. (2014). The neuroscience of human relationships: Attachment and the developing social brain. W. W. Norton & Company.
Meyer, I. H. (2003). Prejudice, social stress, and mental health in lesbian, gay, and bisexual populations: Conceptual issues and research evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 129(5), 674-697.
Perry, B. D., & Szalavitz, M. (2006). The boy who was raised as a dog: And other stories from a child psychiatrist's notebook. Basic Books.
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.